Joe Lopo's Turmoil

Joe Lopo was a man of mild temperament, short stature, and had the goal to become the world's fastest telephone eater. Though Lopo never knew even basic physics, he created a telescope capable of sighting the smallest hair on an alien who lived quite a few lightyears away. Joe Lopo quickly destroyed a large boulder and used the shattered remains to form eight small statues that strongly resembled tiny creatures being or related to the water flea. He placed them in a circular pattern to form a sort of shrine and placed the telescope in the middle of it. He then channeled the power of the stone water fleas into the telescope to view the power of the heavens. He was in a trance with the beauty of the mysterious dimension and didn't even notice the very large tornado heading toward him.
The shrine was quickly demolished and the immediate withdrawl of power sent Joe Lobo into a lair of pitch blackness found to be a parallel dimension that caused anyone whose first name began with J, along with M,L, and Q, to become rather uncomfortable. Joe was also suddenly introduced to undroclamaticolomphasisciousy, the eccentric tapeworm with a strong morrocan accent.
"I'm undroclamaticolomphasisciousy, the eccentric tapeworm. I like pizza so how are ya doin?"
"I have no idea," said Joe. "I feel very uncomfortable."
A small beep was heard. "Oh, that's me," said the worm. He pulled out his cell phone. "Hey, I like pizza so how are ya' doin?"
"You're too late," said the one on the other side of the line.
"I know I am!" he said, as he quickly hung up. "Anyway, I've come to meet you," he said to me.
"I suspected that suspicious suspectial suspision," I said. "Why did you come to meet me?"
"Because," said the tapeworm. "You are the chosen dude."
A million tiny fabrics twisted in the shape of a microwave opened the space around me and started marching toward me, chanting, "Chosen dude, chosen dude, chosen dude..."
"Why am I the chosen dude?" asked Joe.
"Because," said the worm. He pointed to the tissue hanging out of my side pocket. "The sign."
"The sign, the sign, the sign...!" chanted the fabrics.
"I'm afraid there has been a mistake," said Joe. "Please release me."
"You shall be released," stated the worm. "On one condition: you assist this cat in consuming the sacred erasible pen."
The fabrics gasped. Joe shoved the erasible pen in the cat's mouth. The cat suddenly morphed into a gargantuan capybara and exploded.
The worm scowled at Joe. He was not supposed to complete the task.
"You, still shall not be released," said the worm. "We are dependent upon the powers of the chosen one. You shall remain with us!" But just as he said this, Minnie Turner, the girl who lived inside of a shoebox on a desert island for fourteen years in 1672, appeared in the dimension. She tainted the worm using a glass of grape juice and compressed the subatomic particles in the fabrics until a black hole formed. Joe and Minnie entered and vanished from the dimension, to enter a new one that resembleed the innards of a cable modem device.
"Why did you save me?" asked Joe?
"Mark the wrong one," said Minnie.
Then everything went "SKWADLIDOO!" and disappeared and Joe found himself alone, at his home on earth.
Joe then ate a telephone.