2017 is a chance for many things. Fresh starts. Romance. New sets of goals that people set for themselves even though they know deep down that they'll never actually complete half of them and so on and so on. In the spirit of going into the new year I'd like to be a generous person for once in the short life I've lived. Due to this I will be hosting a competition of sorts. In this competition (which will last until the last day of this year comes to a close) I will be giving away 10 seals. This means that 5 individuals will each receive 2 seals to be dropped in the hte clan of their choice. Also during this giveaway, there will be 4 horns dropped as consolation prizes of sorts. To have a chance at 2 seals or possibly a horn, all you have to do is write a joke that makes me laugh. The people who succeed in doing so will all be put on a list and then names will be 5 names will be picked at random for the seals and 4 more at random for the consolation horns. Good luck and may the best jokester win. Updated Rules:Each contestant may submit up to 3 jokes for a chance at one of the 10 prized Update On Prizes:An extra consolation horn prize has been added, meaning you have even greater chance at being picked as a winner.
Tom buys a Harley Davidson motorbike. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat we don't talk. In fact the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence. All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the Vaseline. The dad jumps up and says, "For **** sake, I’ll do the dishes"
Guy buys a parrot & brings it home. Upon coming home this parrot is the most foul mouthed thing he has ever seen! So he soon has enough of this & throws the parrot in the freezer for an hour to cool off then comes back & let's him out. Upon being released the parrot says "I apologize for my foul language & if I said anything that made you uncomfortable I apologize for this as well." The guy sat there confused & amazed & smiles. Then the parrot says "Could I impose on you to ask you a question?" The man says yes of course. The parrot looks at him and says "What the hell did the turkey do to make you mad!?"
This is the greatest joke I've ever heard. A clown told me once. All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea... Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place. And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that... There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks. So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anenomes?"
So this moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?" The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss." The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?" And the moth says, "The light was on."
My mom said I was gay. I do not have a mom. [Change the size pls bb godz] i'm british therefore i call "mom" "mum", hurrah! [/ty4changingsize]
Man walks into a bar and yells OW! (Hits his head on a bar) Man walks into a bar, asks the first girl he see's if she will go home with him, she yells "NO SOMEONE HELP THIS MAN IS GOING TO KIDNAP ME" Man, ashamed, hurries out of the bar alone... This is what would happen to all of you if you asked a girl home with you!