So You've Clogged Somebody Else's Toilet

The worst situation that could ever possibly happen, has happened. You have been caught, unprepared, unaware, and nude in a sense. Exposed at your weakest. You need to drop a turd that will likely be the size of the state of Rhode Island, and the distance between yourself and the privacy of your own bathroom is too great to run with tightly clenched buttcheeks.
No, your only option is to venture into foreign territory, to sit on a strange throne, and relieve yourself of that which ails you, in an environment that is entirely hostile to you.
To make it short, you need to take a massive dump in a toilet other than your own, an experience that is most frightening. As humans, we place a great deal of value on what we consider familiar. So a cold toilet lid that well endowed men have been rubbing their junk on doesn't fit in that realm of familiarity.

But, left with no other choice, you have made the mad dash to the nearest facilities, thrown your pants and undergarments about like discarded copies of Batman v. Superman, squatted, and let loose a storm, a... **** storm if you will, into the toilet. Like Batman V. Superman. You immediately feel better.
To maintain my own dignity and your own sanity, let's not delve too deep into the Cthulhuian bioterror that you see before you in the bowl, but suffice it to say that you have left a specimen that weighs at least 2 Courics and is no sooner going to flush than stand up and walk out of the room. But being the dull creature you are, you flush it. Mistake.

Time slows to a crawl in those moments when it dawns on you a bad situation is about to get worse. In this moment, as you stare at the toilet bowl, at water that doesn't even pause to consider going down the drain, rather it begins to rise like the Mississippi in flood rains, you know you have erred.

Now, you must choose a course of action that will sufficiently resolve the situation to your satisfaction.

1.

Run. Flee. Sprint away and never look back. If this is a public restroom, this is undoubtedly your best course of action. If it isn't, we'll get into that in a moment. Forget the poor employees who will be forced to purge your waterlogged ass log from the bowels of the toilet bowl. Do not pause to warn them as you shuffle out the door, toilet paper attached to your foot. Simply continue forward, and live in fear for the rest of your life.
This is also known as the Dump and Dash, Crap and Run, Poop and Scoot, etc.

2.

If this is indeed the house of a close relative or friend, you sir, to use a terrible pun, are in deep ****. Told you it was terrible. Anyway as I was saying, this is a crappy situation. Is this relative and/or friend easily offended? Is the toilet overflowing and thus ruining their bathroom that is ornate and beautiful compared to yours? Is running still an option? If so, take it. Burn that bridge. No relative is worth the embarrassment it takes to explain that you just stuffed their toilet so hard, it's drooling over the edges.
If running is NOT an option, look for a plunger. If there is no plunger, look for a wire coat hanger. If there is no wire coat hanger, look for a wooden spoon. If there is no wooden spoon, lock everyone inside, and light the house on fire. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

3.

Alert the proper authorities. Be these the residents of the house, owners of the business, or the poor, unsuspecting, impressionable janitor at Taco Bell. Tell an adult. Tell somebody, and relieve this terrible burden from your mind. Yes, they'll stare in horror. Yes, they'll point. Yes, they'll wonder how you pushed something the size of a small baby from your own delicate starfish, but at least they'll handle it.

4.

If the aforementioned turd is still visible in the poop soup swirling dangerously below, you may possibly take a last ditch effort to unplug the toilet, without admitting your guilt, or fleeing the scene. You must firmly grasp the behemoth turd with one hand, and throw it in the trash. Extra points if you cause the log to sail in a beautiful arc, landing in the waste bin, and letting the waters that caused your discontent flow forth into the septic tank, where they were always destined to be.

5.

This final skill requires years of training in a temple in the Himalayas. Concentrating all of your energy inside, one must carefully squat back down over the toilet. Open one eye, and utter the phrase 'Shartsbegone'. The devastation below you will instantly be sucked back up inside of you, to be released at a more opportune time. Say, when that guy road raging in traffic ticks you off, causing you to dangle your bare naked posterior out the window and let loose a guided missile into his windshield. And people will laugh, because it is a proven fact that farts and human feces are funny. No matter your culture, age, position in society, or ideas concerning the human bowel movement. It's funny. Laugh, damn you.

 

Amazing. Bringing people together.

 

Teach me.