My Story

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling scarcely concerned, Bill Brasky grabbed a potato, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, she realized that her beloved iPad was missing! Immediately she called her favorite Mormon, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. She was ingenious though sometimes a little... stupid. Bill Brasky called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very ecstatic Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured her that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually sassily sneeze *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because she had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only seven days prior. It was a enticing little iPad... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: her iPad. Leroy Jenkins panicked. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited her over, assuring her they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed her giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Bill Brasky took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, she had take at least five minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if she took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be ridiculously screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by four abrasive marmots that were lured by her iPad. Leroy Jenkins shuddered; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling relieved, she skillfully reached for her ninja star and aimlessly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so she knew she was running late. With a hasty leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went charismatically jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind her rhinocerus. Leroy Jenkins was worried but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins flamboyantly purred. With a hasty push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted coke fiend in a tricked out go kart,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured her. Bill Brasky took a seat frighteningly close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, Leroy Jenkins noticed a funny-smelling look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her shin when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been nine microseconds. Ever so extemperaneously, Leroy Jenkins groped exotically in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little funny-smelling, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, she gripped her iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make her way through the magical cornfield behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt her shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from her injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with her iPad.

About three hours later, Bill Brasky awoke, her shin throbbing. It was dark and Bill Brasky did not know where she was. Deep in the humid imaginery desert, Bill Brasky was very lost. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, she remembered that her iPad was taken by the marmots. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a huge marmot emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha marmot. Bill Brasky opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into Bill Brasky's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bill Brasky's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than two miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the iPad. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened banana. With a careful thrust, she buried it deeply into her kidney. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Bill Brasky... wishing she had found the courage to tell her that she loved her. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the iPad that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

 

They just are don't judge

 

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