Flower Petal Rough and Ragged, Cruel and Cutting, The wind drives all away, Yet I see still, a glimpse of life. Dead and decaying, Fake and fading, The rain pounds life away, Yet I see still, a touch of life. For I have spied a single drop, A raindrop of color against the grey, I behold a token of life, And it will lead me through the storm. What? You may ask, Could elicit such hope divine? Look in my hand and you'll see, That which keeps me alive. Tis a long forgotten medal Of a long forgotten war, Yet in the storm it's brought me life All in the shape of a flower petal.
Hahahaha. I was wondering what sort of reaction that would elicit. I am thoroughly amused. Keep in mind: 1) It's a metaphor... 2) it's poorly done
why is there a comma here: "yet I still see, a glimpse of life" I don't like it there. It could be "Yet I still see: A Glimpse of Life" Or "Yet I still see/ A glimpse of life" But the comma just doesn't fit. The line is one full phrase on it's own. It doesn't need that comma breather in there. If you are wanting to put more emphasis on that line, then I would, suggest something besides, the comma. I like the phrase and I think you could actually do something with this, even though I only read the first stanza lol
okay. i like the first three stanzas. However, the last two don't really stick with the same rhythm or tone of the first two. It's the 21'st century. We don't say 'Tis. It's not formal. It is just antiquated.
One last thing... why is it bringing you "life" in a storm? If I didn't like it, or think you had some potential, I wouldn't give feedback. I am starting to change my mind on the comma too. But I'm not convinced yet.
Hahaha well thanks... I will see what I can do to "fix" it It was the result of ten minutes and a random poetic mood so! I appreciate feedback on how to improve it