SOLDIERS SONG I've been working on this all week I'm about to break Seeking out which words to link But my brain is clouded I can't think The ground shakes the earth quakes The real are separated from the fake Time to begin another retake My words have turned soft, so I know they'll start to hate Striving to make a change My target is near so I take my aim My previously spit flames are extinguished and burn to ashes Sudden flashes, revealed rashes, several clashes And than I'm right back to bashing Right back to the same old pattern, everlasting When I try differentiate myself from this crowd, I'm knocked right back down Lightning strikes with a sudden sound Blood hounds scouring the town Everybody's backing down, they all turn around Not gonna lie, I'm scared now But still I refuse to bow To only one will I kneel down Not to these loud mouths, these clowns They're so proud," It's chow time" is what they pronounce But they are the ones who are about to bow, bow-wow, even if I am defeated somehow This isn't a song, it's a rap Over now, because I'm about to go slap Overlapping, oh crap, I fell in their trap I told you how I keep running back to the rap, I scream aloud Just another battle, the words randomly flow out of my mouth The devil comes out, even when I thought I was without He pleads, he deceives, but I'm never coming down Knock me down, but I'm still going to stand my ground I'm stronger now, even if I'm weak on the outside which is all you see I just want you to know, it's not just me, I'm not your only enemy You know who's with me, it's the king So if you pick a fight with me, you pick a fight with he, and his entire army If you hear me, than here's a few words that you should read Just pick up your bibles and see, John 3:16, it'll set you free Because I'm planting my seed, and watching it grow into a tree I plead from a believers perspective, anonymously Don't follow me, but follow the great God almighty Because if you follow me than your following nobody Because I'm nothing without the king Just another somebody with broken dreams Cracked at the seams, but repaired with the chosen one's gleams You see I am nothing without the team I'm gone for now, but I'll see you at another place, the mountain's peek And by the way I lied when I said I wrote this in a week, because actually I wrote it in a day Peace out for now, and hopefully we'll meet in the clouds on that wonderful day or that faithful night What a sight, dreaming about it tonight Alright, I'm really gone now so good night.
Excellent poem. It has a great rhythm to it. You have great potential. My only suggestion: keep that rhythm flowing throughout or break in certain places from the rhythm to make a statement. I'll give an example
"my previously split flames" -previously is 4 syllables and breaks the rhythm of the song. It's not an important word that needs emphasis. The line after that is superb tho! My favorite.
Change to: "my spit flames: gone, extinguished and burned to ashes It keeps with the rhyme and leads you into that amazing next line.
And you don't think songs are poems? This is why I made a big deal out of rhythm. Many of the oldest poems (that werent epics like Beowulf) in English were minstrel songs.
Egad. Rhythm and rhyme are NOT the same thing. THIS is why I don't give constructive criticism. I am going to use the proper term here: meter. Each poem has a metric foot. It doesn't have to stick to that. But, a song needs a strong meter. I'm sure you have all heard of iambic pentameter. This is the meter of a poem. Iamb is the metric foot (or where the stress is in two syllables). Pentameter means 5 metric foots (iambs, for example) per line So there are a total of ten syllables, 5 stressed and 5 unstressed in each line. It is not, by any means, necessary to follow such strict guidelines when writing. However, the meter determines the rhythm. And rhythm is what makes us feel. It's what makes us want to get up and dance. So, it's important to pay attention to using too many syllables in one line bc that breaks the rhythm/meter of the piece. It's a great piece of literature. I really enjoyed it.