As I walked in to target, a blast of cold air hit me. I snuggled deeper into My black and pink striped aero sweat shirt. My boy friend Jeff rubbed my arms. Jeff is sweet. He's got shaggy blond hair and blue eyes. My best friend is Maggie. She also has blue eyes and blond hair. My name is Betheny Adams. I go by Beth. I'm in 11th grade (same with my Jeff and Maggie. ) I have brown hair and eyes and am 5'6. I dress wildly. As Jeff and I wandered back to the frozen section, I saw a cute stuffed bear. Jeff saw me looking at it. It was brown. He offered to buy it. Of course I agreed. After we checked out, we got dinner at McDonalds and rented a romantic movie. Then we went back to my house to watch it.
Do not put parentheses. Describe your characters and actions more clearly and make the reader drawn in to the story.
Urm to be completely honest, I was bored by about the 5th sentence. Stop posting new stories too, FH isn't mean, and I wouldn't continue if this was my story. NO OFFENCE IT'S JUST THE TRUTH!!!!
Guys can't u all give constructive criticism rather than just telling them it sucks. Or FF is going to be like the rest of the forums.