Men beware!

You ever had that irresistable urge to go out and get a haircut? Maybe buy some new clothes, trim your toenails, watch some CNN? Don't worry friend, we know how to make you better. You may be suffering symptoms from what we learned scientists now refer to as male estrogen poisoning. We've known for a long time that the government has been putting chemicals in the water. We've grown complacent and no longer even question this. Tonight I have a great revelation to share with you. Those chemicals in the water are actually estrogen! Yes folks, I know what you're thinking, "but isnt estrogen for girls?". Yes, yes it is folks.

In 1963, Lyndon Johnson became the democratic President of the United States via the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, and with him came some pretty strange ideas. One of which, famously called the "Johnson Treatment" is the topic for discussion today. This policy was based around aggressivly coercing powerful politicians into doing his bidding, but not only politicians, businessmen too. That's how he got a second term in 1964, but by then the damage was already done. You see, what we knew to be called the "Johnson Treatment" at face value was actually just that, but on a deeper level. He wanted to quite literally, "treat" our "johnsons". To a big heaping bowl of estrogen! Using his many business connections he installed pipelines (many of which just happen to burst into our drinking water, as you know from recent events)

These pipelines all across america and happen to hit every major city out there. Ever been in your own sewer? Of course you havent. That's the estrogen talking, telling you "eww that's poo water, how gross". Man up man! You'll never know what's down there unless you poke your head in and take a look, and I guarantee what you find there will change your life forever. And believe me folks, we've looked. We've looked hard. What's actually down there is a long and tedious network of piping leading into every man's house, releasing dangerous estrogen into your fruit juice boxes and harmful estrogen gas in your electric air freshners. Ever wonder why construction work takes so damn long to complete in your city? How can they possibly work while trying to avoid the tangled mess of piping down there?



Now here's a curveball for ya. Ever heard of chemtrails? At our lab we refer to them as "femtrails" - that is, airplanes spraying us with estrogen as a farmer would dust his crops. Ever notice "that rain smell"? That's estrogen my friends. There's a reason your parents told you to never eat the yellow snow. Snow becomes yellow when the estrogen it in freezes. This is how our scientists managed to observe it so closely in it's preserved form. We travelled all across our suburbs in the company van collecting this rare form of estrogen and hauled it all back to the lab. By reverse engineering the very delicate chemical process that created it, we managed to come up with our miracle drug.

Estrogen is so engrained in our society that we don't even notice the poison when it's literally spoonfed to us. Every product we buy, every website we visit, even the food we consume. Ever try a tube of toothpaste? Minty fresh huh? That's right, estrogen. Ever eat a hot dog? Estrogen! Play PIMD? Good lord there might be no saving you. Thankfully, we have a cure.

Meet Doc K. Sama and Doc Y. Gert, bioengineers in the rapidly expanding drug and recreation field of research. Through many, many, many, many, many hours of field tests and a couple minutes of lab time we managed to provide the perfect pill. we call it, MALE VITALITY ESSENCE, or essence of man for short.



this pill, to be taken thrice a day(or more!) at your leisure, is designed to perfectly combat estrogen poisoning and will leave you feeling MANLY and PRETTY like never before.

 

Our field test subject had no trouble putting just about anything up there when we were done with our trials.

 

Not a selfie thread

 

Its satire