Feedback and comments for my little Pokemon story. :3 Thread: http://forum.kingdomsatwar.com/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=76104
You're favrite editter am hear two ficks yore thang I LOVED IT!!! Moar Pl0x D: P# = paragraph S# = sentence P2S3 "They" and "Their" should be "It" and "Its" (Noun/Pronoun Agreement) and the period should be a comma, change But to but (fragment ;-;!!!!) P3, last sentence Deep -> Deeply (Adverb to describe "breathe") P4S1 "book" is waaaaay too repetitive P6,S3 Were -> Was (S/V agreement D:!) P7 I LOVE THIS PARAGRAPH P9S4 Wet shoes or no(t) (typo?) P9S5 ...path( (two independent clauses) ...the slope at one point (was)... (no verb in that clause >.<) P14 SOOOO KYUUUTE!!!! x3!!!! P22 A little boring :/ most isn't necessary.. Shorten somehow? P24 "Cheered in his mind" confused me a little the first time I read it xP (not necessary to fix) I stopped counting paragraphs here... They were all so good ! Mad Eevee paragraph "...askance at the Eevee(,) watching him..." You called the Eevee a "he" and "him" multiple times before you revealed her gender. I recommend "it" and "its" to clarify that the gender is unknown? I didn't know it was secret XD AMAZING!!! I. Would. Read. This. Book. One suggestion: there is no "cliffhanger" at the end of the chapter... Maybe something that tells us a little about the next chapter would make me want to read more and more and more nonstop
ღ @Bunni Fixed the grammatical errors but I just skimmed it and I didn't mention Eevee was a "he?" o.o @Danny LOL, thanks. <3 ღ
Hmm... I reread it and some of the parts I read that had "he" change to "it"... Maybe they were in my mind xP but you did say "him" in the "askance" sentence... If you meant "him" as in Raichuu (lol ) then the sentence would need rewording..