the Moon and the mermaid part 1

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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby IkiryoNighthawk on Aug 10 2016, 8:30pm

Noooooooooooooooo
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Suzanne on Aug 10 2016, 8:44pm

?
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Lonesong on Aug 10 2016, 9:14pm

i love your stories suzanne. keep on practicing. work on the punctuation. dont stop writing
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby AshesOfEden on Aug 11 2016, 1:07am

-Narwhal wrote:Put all the future parts in this thread so that I can read all of them iI know you're just doing this in order to annoy people and aren't going to listen to this at all but at least I can say that I tried, and not going to give you the annoyance that you want by leaving genuine reviews on every single part that you make.n order and just bump it every time you add one so I know it's there.

The first thing that I have to review here is your sentence structure and punctuation. I just can't get into the story at all without knowing where one sentence begins and another ends. You also need to work on not using run-on sentences, it just takes me out of the fantasy world whenever you add them. One thing you should add whenever you start a story is some sort of more detailed backstory other than "a sea captain was capturing my friends." Like, what was your family's life before you ran away? The basis of this part is very far from believable because you're saying that you're part of a royal or noble family, hence the Royal training centre. That makes absolutely no sense as your family ran away, meaning you would have no guards and no longer have power. Which, if your family was nobility or royalty before, why couldn't they fight back the Sea Captain? Your story is very poorly written, it is hard to visualise what you're trying to portray with words.


Cos she's a mermaid duh!..

Geez Narwhal, you of all people should appreciate a budding love story set in a Royal Aquatic training centre between a mermaid and prince..
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Suzanne on Aug 11 2016, 5:07am

Wow
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the Moon and the mermaid part 2

Postby Suzanne on Aug 11 2016, 10:17am

I looked at the young man who was talking to the guard and I knew that he looked familiar to me i know I had seen him before but I couldn't remember where I had seen the young man before I tried to busy myself so that they do not notice me but it was too late the young man saw me i looked at him and smiled he smiled back at me and I saw that he had cougar like eyes I began to run towards my room in fear that he might get me in trouble but eventually he was following me towards my room I quickly ran into my room and locked the door and sat on my bed hugging my knees against my chest I was afraid to come out of my room so I hid there for about a few hours and I heard someone knocking on my door and I slowly got up and I grabbed my sword and I opened the door and the young man was just standing there just smiling at me i wondered what I should do with my sword held tightly in my hands should I stab him or should I say what he is doing here and maybe he will answer me without getting harmed by me
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 2

Postby IkiryoNighthawk on Aug 11 2016, 10:22am

Stop
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 2

Postby MM-Slippy-MM on Aug 11 2016, 10:23am

Stop spamming forums with this garbage. Learn to use punctuation please!
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 2

Postby Il-FIX-Il-pEsTiLeNcE-Il-FIX-ll on Aug 11 2016, 10:25am

Here I have some spare full stops feel free to borrow them .......................................
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 2

Postby Suzanne on Aug 11 2016, 10:28am

:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(
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