the Moon and the mermaid part 1

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the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Suzanne on Aug 10 2016, 6:00pm

I awoke from a wonderful sleep and I walked downstairs and I was about to eat breakfast when I heard a knock on the door it had been six years since my family and me ran away from a handsome sea captain that was capturing my friends and I was feeling depressed about leaving my friends I walked towards the front door and I opened it and it was my mother who was busy with helping my sick father she smiled at me and I rolled my eyes I
had forgotten to train with the guards in sword practice so I rushed into the Royal training room to practice my sword fighting and I saw a very young and handsome man talking to one of the Royal guards I wondered who he was and what he was doing here so I hid behind the shield racket and I was easedropping on their conversation I wondered what they were talking about and why the handsome young man seemed so familiar to me
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby seandogbone on Aug 10 2016, 6:27pm

spoiler- its a werewolf
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Great_Atuin on Aug 10 2016, 6:31pm

Why are you still depressed from leaving your friends after 6 years
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby lIlDlRIilZlZIYlIl_tHe-VALkyrIE on Aug 10 2016, 6:32pm

BRAVO BRAVO WOW MUCH TALENT VERY MOON MERMAID MANY PARTS SUCH SKILLS WOW
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Boba-Fett on Aug 10 2016, 6:40pm

Suzanne wrote:I saw a very young and handsome man

catfish confirmed! Possible cougar/panther.
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Boingo on Aug 10 2016, 6:44pm

Can I purchase this in audio book form?
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby lIlDlRIilZlZIYlIl_tHe-VALkyrIE on Aug 10 2016, 6:45pm

Boingo wrote:Can I purchase this in audio book form?

If the guys can talk this long without dying then maybe. After all, why even having ponctuation? ;)
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Boingo on Aug 10 2016, 6:54pm

lIlDlRIilZlZIYlIl_tHe-VALkyrIE wrote:
Boingo wrote:Can I purchase this in audio book form?

If the guys can talk this long without dying then maybe. After all, why even having ponctuation? ;)


Mexican goal announcer
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby Suzanne on Aug 10 2016, 7:05pm

?
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Re: the Moon and the mermaid part 1

Postby -Narwhal on Aug 10 2016, 8:15pm

Put all the future parts in this thread so that I can read all of them iI know you're just doing this in order to annoy people and aren't going to listen to this at all but at least I can say that I tried, and not going to give you the annoyance that you want by leaving genuine reviews on every single part that you make.n order and just bump it every time you add one so I know it's there.

The first thing that I have to review here is your sentence structure and punctuation. I just can't get into the story at all without knowing where one sentence begins and another ends. You also need to work on not using run-on sentences, it just takes me out of the fantasy world whenever you add them. One thing you should add whenever you start a story is some sort of more detailed backstory other than "a sea captain was capturing my friends." Like, what was your family's life before you ran away? The basis of this part is very far from believable because you're saying that you're part of a royal or noble family, hence the Royal training centre. That makes absolutely no sense as your family ran away, meaning you would have no guards and no longer have power. Which, if your family was nobility or royalty before, why couldn't they fight back the Sea Captain? Your story is very poorly written, it is hard to visualise what you're trying to portray with words.
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