Turkeyface at War

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Hermit_Crab, Feb 1, 2016.

  1. Turkeyface lived in a bland efficiency apartment in a run-down complex populated mostly with elderly chain-smoking widow types. The complex was called Cardinal Downs. In his 5 years as a resident, he never really spotted many cardinals flying about the place...even in the scrabbly patch of woods that formed a barrier between the apartment clusters and the back of a Popeye's Fried Chicken restaurant.

    ]Turkeyface loved Popeyes. He ate dinner there at least 3 times a week. The 6-pack of tenders with a side and a biscuit...was his to go-to entree. Turkeyface didn't usually coupon..he lacked the discipline for such an undertaking on a consistent basis, but he did keep his beady black eyes peeled for Popeye's coupon flyer inserts that came in the Sunday newspaper. As such, he would regularly amble through the patch of woods to the Popeyes.

    On one of these short jaunts, he actually spotted a cardinal...the carcass of one. It lay in the brush by some rusty beer bottle caps in a desiccated state of putrefaction. Turkeyface observed it as a male of the species...once vibrant red plumage gone to rot and mummified into a brittle, drab husk. He speculated that a tomcat had somehow managed to successfully stalk and bat the bird down out of the air...sink claws into it, and penetrate the bird's fragile skull with its incisors. Turkeyface imagined the bird's pained, feeble shrieking...frenzied at first and then gradually fading into silence...then the cat lapping sticking to the feline's whiskers and dirty lips.up the cardinal's brain...disinterested mainly in the task...meaty flecks of nacreous thalamus residue adhered to the cat's dirty whiskers.

    The gruesome sight of the slaughtered bird did not dissuade Turkeyface in the slightest from continuing on his way to Popeye's. He was hungry and had been looking forward to these tenders all day. Once there he ordered them with a side of coleslaw and a biscuit. He sat in his customary spot...a booth at the far end of the restaurant. He enjoyed his tenders and tapped his feet off-rhythm to the music they were playing faintly on the speakers. It was Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus. Turkeyface finished his tenders before the song finished.

    Turkeyface only liked his chicken tenders mild. There were options to get them medium or Cajun spicy as well. Turkeyface couldn't stomach spicy food. It agitated his digestive track. Turkeyface was naturally spindly, an ectomorph.. but a lifetime of poor eating habits...created a bit of a gut...and due to an abnormal surplus of estrogen hormone...for a male...the deposits of his greasy diet flowed into his hips and bosom. He had womanly hips and gynecomastic breasts. Much of this was due to direct genetic factors, but a good bit of it was on account of the processed, hormone-laden chicken parts that he consumed with such regularity. It may be noted that his nutrient poor diet contributed to Turkeyface being afflicted with an acute case of Crohn's disease.

    Turkeyface needed to defecate..on average...14 times a day. He kept a log all his life of each bowel movement.

    Prior to the present, he plyed his trade as a section manager in the home appliances area at Best Buy. The constant bathroom breaks made it near impossible for him to perform his duties. His coworkers resented him for these frequent breaks...and the staff unisex bathroom was a small nook scarcely larger than a standard closet. It was located right next to the break room. Needless to say...as his coworkers hurriedly ate their lunches...they couldn't help but be repulsed by the mingled carrion stench of Turkeyface's voided waste wafting into their steamed microwaved quickie meals.

    His colon condition became so severe..that his doctor fitted him with a colostomy bag. The bag was pink, but constructed of a diaphanous plastic. The excrement swirled and bulged around inside like some sort of molting, brown boa constrictor. It was unsettling and repugnant to customers and to the staff at Best Buy. As a result...management had a meeting with Turkeyface. They decided to stick him in the stock room as part of the loading crew.

    Of course.,this did not pan out...for it was a busy store that sold a great number of refrigerators, stoves, and other heavy appliances.  Turkeyface was too weak to make much of a contribution to this team.

    In addition to the Crohn's disease...Turkeyface suffered mild schizophrenia...though this condition was not at the time of our narrative..entirely evident or diagnosed. And of course...as his name would suggest...Turkeyface's face/head...was well...not just an ugly, small and pink reddish face..but the literal face and head of a turkey...complete with a wattle, tiny darting about black eyes, and a snood inflamed with rosacea patches. And to add insult to injury...this acnecrisper face flushed crimson and swollen with veins emerging from beneath the whiteheaded dermis...large blue veins...this phenomenon occurred whenever Turkeyface encountered a woman he found alluring or whenever he felt slighted. Both these scenarios happened frequently as Turkeyface yearned for female affection...and he was an intensely paranoid and lonely individual.

    The only real good that resulted from this host of maladies...was that he eventually needed to apply for disability. The government awarded him his claim. It was a modest monthly allowance...but enough for Turkeyface to eek out a simple and meager life of quiet desperation.

    On disability..he was afforded ample leisure time. It was also enough to buy a new cell phone. He had owned the same flip phone for 15 years before one night smashing it in a cataleptic fit of impotent rage

    Turkeyface considered just doing away with a phone, but during his tenure at Best Buy...he couldn't help but notice that all his coworkers owned the latest model phones..especially some of the young, tangy female specimens. Turkeyface was 38 years old and in these years..never once did he obtain even the most basic scraps of amorous attention from a ladybabe. This being the case, Turkeyface perpetually concocted delusional schemes so as to seduce one of these babes and perchance trick her into becoming his soul lover.

    Turkeyface purchased a gleaming phone with a huge touch screen. He bought it with a portion of his initial disabilty settlement.

    It took Turkeyface some time to adjust to the technology...but through steadfast persistence and call after call to the customer service people for the phone..Turkeyface opened up a few applications and toyed around with them. During one of these sessions...Turkeyface discovered Kingdoms at War. It was a find that would lead to his ruin...but at this point..Turkeyface was elated.

    The game featured images of castles and the graphic of the woman on the loading screen gave him the tingling rush he felt during a mania. He frequently visualized women like her in his nightfever passions. Ladybabes clad in chainmail or in barbarian garb. Strong women. Women that gnashed at raw flesh by the bonfire. Women that growled and foamed with desire. Women that laughed sardonically at his fate. Capricious necromancer babes possessed of the elemental demonic agency...to warp his mind...nurturing it like a swaddled, cooing infant one minute and then turning it into a nightmare apocalypse of humiliation the next.

    He knew it was a phantasy image. Nothing more and nothing less..and figured the game was mostly played by glib college students..and those even younger. He correctly deduced that few females probably played...and those that did..would be so coveted by his repressed beta-male peers...that he stood little hope of snaring him an enchantress ladybabe soul lover through this portal.

    Nevertheless, Turkeyface decided he would enjoy building his kingdom. He gleefully discovered some quests. He made some gold. He tapped some more...

    To Be Continued...
     
  2. Thats better, and support. I ain't reading that Christ all mighty
     
  3. Dear lord, it's my life story!
     
  4.  great read
     
  5. ....well hopefully he bought iPhone if not I'm afraid his suffering well only worsen









    Sent from my iPhone 
     
  6. That brand name, 2nd rate, low quality, poorly designed, overpriced computer/cellphone developer?
     
  7. ...Android is for poor people (lol) 



    Sent from my iPhone
     
  8. Let's be honest the only people who use iPhones are people less technologically capable, stuck in their consumer mindset/follows brands blindly, is a hot female, is a teenager incapable of smart thought or todd.
     
  9. What can your phone do that mine can't? I know things my phone can do that your phone can't do unless you jailbreak it
     


  10. ...that's why I have a PC, but I understand some people can't afford to have both :(




    Sent from my iPhone
     
  11. I'm sorry I have a phone that can do what your pc can do and something that your €650 phone can't do
     
  12. ...yeah but only after you've "jailbroken" it 

    (lol your phone can't do what my PC does lol)
     
  13. Can't jailbreak an android :lol: :roll: You're right, my phone can't do what your pc can do, it can do more
     
  14. Todd, you know nothing about android.

    It's called rooting btw.
    Jailbreak is iDevice related.

    Think of Jailbreaking an iDevice as Morpheus from the matrix where he can bend the rules.

    But rooting your android device is Neo, the chosen one where he can basically destroy the rules and make his own if he wants.

    Also comparing mobile os to pcs is plain stupid.
     
  15. No it can't ...lol

    iMac

    * 27‑inch (diagonal) LED‑backlit Retina 5K display
    * 4.0GHz quad-core Intel Core i7 processor
Turbo Boost up to 4.2GHz
    * 1TB 7200‑rpm hard drive; 1TB, 2TB, or 3TB Fusion Drive; or up to 1TB flash storage (SSD)2


    iPhone 
     

  16. ...if you're using a phone to do what would be easier on a PC it's most likely because you can't afford both 
     
  17. Who said I'm using a phone to do what a pc would do?

    You started the argument that apple ios is better than android.

    What do computers have to do with the argument?
     
  18. lol you're right I don't know much about Android ..I just need to know it sucks ass


    (Why Android people always so butthurt?) 