Congrats to "TRUE" ASW Warriors

Yes, I was bummed that my stats were too small to participate in the ASW. But it has been fun reading the forums about the war, or should I say all the crying about the war. :roll:

I would like to congratulate the true warriors that showed up an warred like a boss. For all of those EB warriors that showed up let me share some tips with you so you can be true warriors in the next ASW. The following are the preparations you need for next year:

- First and most important, check the weather forecast. The last thing you need is a potential flash flood drowning you in your mom's basement. Don't take any chances if rain is in the forecast move your command center to the attic (if you are morbidly obese and can't get out of the basement then have crane services scheduled well in advance).

- Make sure to link your account to a PC. You cannot sacrifice speed for mobility. You don't need to be mobile. Have multiple monitors setup so you can have whatever 3rd party aps you need going on other screens. Gentlemen, do not be distracted by images of the opposite sex on monitor 7 or 8. No time for that now. Please take a cold shower right before the ASW starts.

- Verify your internet connection. I don't take any chances when it comes to important things like the ASW. Don't be foolish and depend on having multiple internet providers. What if someone sets off a 'pinch' like in Ocean's 11 and all power goes down for a multi-mile radius for a few minutes? Even you backup to your backup generator would be fried. Then you are ****** no matter how many connections you have. I have already made my reservation for next year at NORAD. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy . I will have my own secure dedicated server with speeds so fast I will know who won the ASW before you know it even started.

- Do not drink anything 4 hours before the big show. Try not to eat anything 24 hours prior. Pretend you have to give blood on the day of ASW so fast beforehand. Skip the caffeine and go straight to the adrenaline shots. They are more powerful and do not produce urine. I know I know, some of you cannot skip eating and drinking for health reasons or maybe you haven't skipped an hour of eating in your life. I recommend the KaW diaper. You can cram your piehole and piss and **** yourself as much as you want. If you prefer not to sit in your own excrement then you can have a piss cup and a **** bucket. Whatever floats your boat.

- Send out notices of the impending ASW at least 1 month in advance to all acquaintances in your life. This includes your boss, wife, children, moms, dads, fiancees (plan your wedding around ASW for **** sakes), The Donald, The Pope, POTUS, etc. No special events can interfere with ASW. A special note to men of pregnant wives. You are in a pickle. You obviously can't ask your wife not to go into labor but you can schedule a C-section. Make sure to schedule it enough in advance so your wife has plenty of hospital recovery time. You can't be bothered by hospital visits during ASW. No weddings, no trips, no work, no extracurricular activities with the opposite sex...NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Communication well in advance is key. If you are embarrassed to tell people why you are shutting your life down for the weekend then shame on you but just tell them you trying out for the TV show Survivor and can't be contacted for that weekend.

- Prepare yourself mentally for the big event. Close out all other thoughts. Read the strategy section on forums 6,976 times before getting ready to turtle up for a weekend. Get all your goodbyes, hugs, kisses, out of office messages, etc. out of the way. Do not be bothered by any of that on the big weekend.

- Actually participate in a war before the ASW. Yes, you will have losses. Yes, your growth will slow down. Yes, others will take gold from you. Yes, they will burn your pots (you might want to consider having more than 50 of each). You cannot be lulled to sleep by Apheriun and Mautos for a year and then show up to ASW and wonder where the repeat button is. Learn how to war before entering a war or it will be like the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan where 9 out of 10 soldiers on the boat take one to the head before they even get to the beach.

- Lastly, learn how to cry like a baby on the forums when a new crop of noobs that fails to read this post show up to ASW4 and don't have a clue how to be a "TRUE" WARRIOR.

If you do the above actions you might have a chance to be "TRUE" warrior. If not well ****, life goes on you will not be known to the world for your cunning warrior prowess. I know that will be hard to live with but you will survive.

Best of luck to all who read this in ASW4!